since hearing a little after 1pm (9.29.09) my time today that Judge Jordan (Federal Judge in Florida) sided with the hospital (Jackson Memorial Hospital – Ryder Trauma Center)
my world has crumbled, my heart was stabbed just like watching Lisa collapsing all over again on the Rfamily cruise on 2/18/07
words of encouragement have poured in from friends, family and others to say “hang in there -the fight is just starting”.
and then our son David – saying “mom that’s messed up – if we were here in Group Health we could have been with other mom but because we were in Florida we couldn’t – how is that fair – shouldn’t the laws me the same in all the states” he is only 14 and has some learning delays – what does that say about our society, our laws, and how we wrong others every day if my 14 year old son can see it’s “not fair”
I honestly don’t know how I pick myself up and put on a brave face for public speaking that has always been very trying and hard for me even before this decision – now it will be augmented with an asterisk that says *but she failed in court*
I know there are people who disagreed that I should never have filed the lawsuit to begin with, that to let the dead lay in rest. I couldn’t – I never could – I always picked at those wounds on my arms or face hoping for a different outcome. Speaking out about the inequality we faced was no difference.
the kids are in bed, the house is quiet and now I’m stuck with my thoughts with the overwhelming feeling of failure of not only NOT being at Lisa side but also not prevailing to change policy so other family’s didn’t have to face what we did.
Yes I try to remember the 1000′s of people who have read about or heard me speak or the 4 people’s lives that Lisa saved but none of that right at this very moment comfort me.
I was selfish I wanted to win so that – you – gay or straight – could be with your loved one as well as bring in your children to hold you loved ones hand while they could sense you – so that you could begin the grieving process – but all was for not. I am sorry.
The one thing I am not sorry about in the least is for Lambda Legal taking our case, listening to me for hours – assigning Beth Littrell and co-counsel Don Hayden to our case – our case was in the best of hand. I couldn’t have hoped for better, caring, legal minds on our case. My sense of failure has NOTHING to do with my representation – but solely with me. Thank you all from Lambda - Beth, Lisa, Jon, Tika, Erin, Don H., Kevin, Jon, Judi, Rick and so many others who have been there every step of the way – and if I forgot anyone forgive me.
And again thank you to Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell for their continued support.